Knowing You.

Had dinner last night with friends from church. Frog leg porridge! It wasn't actually my first time eating frogs (I have eaten things much worse), but to have them with porridge is a first for me. Food was alright. Frog meat is a cross between chicken (visual and initial tasting cues), fish (seafood savoury-ness) and scallops (stringy texture). The turn-out was not too bad. 7. Always slightly more than a BS turnout. heh.

Had 2 lingering thoughts in my head after dinner, durian (yes, for the 3rd week in a row) and kopi after (with the 2 Js).

1.
Quite a few people have been shipping me with B recently. Quite unsettling. Slightly irritated. Now just confused. Don't know if it's just me feeling the pressure and expectations?

Do I see any possibility there? I am strongly for the opinion that dating someone from within church is a bad idea.  A daunting and uphill task at best. What if it goes wrong? I'm not simply concerned about the potential awkwardness between the two, but rather the collateral damage inflicted; when friends are torn between having to choose between sides, having a dilemma of whom they should comfort at what point in time. Told this to S that other day in Utown during our tea break after an afternoon of studying.

'Huh. Oh no why? I thought it would be ideal,' she said. Haiz. Dear S, it's not your fault, but my journeying with you has been the main reason why I have come to that conclusion in the first place.

Older J gave me an advice though. That I shouldn't rule out the possibilities by rejecting people from the start. Well, at first I was not very convinced. I was trying to be very objective last night, thinking about past instances and analysing any potential giveaways or bad decisions. I did come up with an antithesis however, and that would be my friendship with C (Younger J was completely blown away by a few of my revelations, and this was one of them. HAHA so sorry). Things have worked out pretty well between C and I, and I must say that I am very happy about it.

In the end, I told the 2 Js that if it's God will, then what will be will be. Just expect that I will bear the very same sentiments, whoever you might be, that if you are from the same church as me, know that I will be thinking at least twice or thrice about it.

Also, I would appreciate if my friends would not instigate the matter further, or have any vested interests in wanting B and I to get together. That would be very sad and hurting to our friendship.

2.
Following younger J's bewilderment from what I had revealed last night, Older J said that I do have quite a few secrets that I was not sharing. Yup. I do keep some of my cards close to my chest, choosing to reveal only bits and pieces of it to different people, using them in different situations. Most people would genuinely see me as sincere, open to sharing, heartfelt (this is not a brag btw) - an open book, because of the depth of what I share.

I will be clear that I don't tell lies (at least not as many as I think), but I never tell someone the entire story.

If you know me. Like really know me. Then you will know that you truly won't know everything about me (HAHA sounds funny).

I will share with you what matters and that is enough.

Dear God, only you know me for who I am. I am thankful that I do not have to be concerned about how others know me. I pray that people know me only for having Christ in me, that they may know You, the only one that matters.

Blushed and red-eyed amid a heavy heart

Damn, should i even post this!?

Finally got to go for a swim today!!! haha spent like a good hour in the pool doing laps and then treading water. it's about time i had any work-out since i came back from the US.

Not sure why but my cheeks turned so red instead of black (which was kinda of what i had hoped for). Then there were my eyes that had streaks of red running out from my pupils. I don't wear goggles to swim. People i've told in BASIC found this to be pretty abnormal! Geeeeez water polo players do this too! Forgot to mention, i had a mad butt tan from my trunks! HAHA

BASIC was cool today. Brought part 2 of snacks from US today (dried cranberries)! The big-group time was spent watching a clip about rethinking the way we view the US Presidential elections with God's sovereignty in mind. Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea, Trump doesn't seem like that bad a choice after all. We can't place our trust in man (or woman for that mater) to solve our problems. We should be looking at the Throne where our rightful maker dwells. 

Bible-study was very meaningful. Wrote a fun rap with the key words 'fear' and 'inspire' which was performed by superernesto. T, B and I just layered up at the background with unnecessary noises. Thought it went quite well! But the application questions from today's study did hit me. Just felt that for the past few weeks I have been asking God too many times for forgiveness, and it does make it sound as though His mercy is cheap. I've done quite a few things during these past couple of weeks that i'm not proud of. Each time when the guilt sets in, i feel like i am Adam, hiding from God after eating from the Forbidden Tree and realising that i'm naked. Still there is hope! Thing is, God's mercy is ever-flowing for he is always trying to reach out to us, but it did come at the price of his son. So the only thing left for us to do is to ask God to help us deal with Sin for we face it alone. 

Haiz. Still feeling the sourness (time now is 2303). HAHA especially when she replied that she had intended to 'jio' me to Bishan library for a read but.. oh wellz. I guess I really did put a strain on our friendship by my actions back then. Been regretting it till this day. You know i did ask myself if it was worth giving up this christ-centred friendship, in exchange for wooing her without the possibility of succeeding and later souring our friendship further. Answer comes round with a resounding NO. It just ain't worth it. Lately I am extremely heartened by the fact that she has warmed up to our Bible-study group and BASIC in general. Also feeling really happy to hear and see that she's going outta her way to get to know more people in BASIC. She even signed up for music ministry as a pianist! But I've been praying, praying like hell that God gives me the strength and the courage to look past my shallow emotions. S said that it might just be that passing cloud of emotions which will subside over time. I dunno, it sure doesn't feel like it yet. I can feel myself holding back on so much emotions whenever i am around with her. Whenever i do talk to her, i feel like i'm second-guessing so much of what i have to say that it sours the conversation and it loses the sincerity or genuinity (is this even a word? HAHA). Been trying to forget her but the thoughts keep coming back. I certainly hope that she isn't reading this! HAHAHAHAHA it's too embarrassing. 

Then there's this other guy. At the start I had eagerly reached out to him with the hope of bringing him into our circle! But now I am starting to feel  that he might have been using my friendship for other agendas. I'm pretty sad about it. Can't really say for sure if my judgement of the situation is right, but the actions do speak quite loudly. Back then i really reached out to him with the hope of bringing in this brother in christ but then it somehow isn't reciprocated as much and it just feels so weird. Hopefully God is still using this chance to bring us brothers together. 

These past few months have taught be a great deal about friendships. Especially Christian friendships. Christian friendships are nothing like what normal friendships are because at the heart of it lies our constant struggle with sin and the fellowship of brothers and sisters in christ. Worldly friendships can mean so much to us but it stops there.  Journeying on this road to eternity, friends need to be more than just friends.

So at this point, i do write with a heavy heart. Not just in wanting to make sure that friendships in my bible study are sustainable, but also that they are genuine; friendships sustained with the right intentions. 

At the end of BS, my leader asked if I am willing to attend CLOBS on thursday night. I knew what it meant, and i said No without hesitation, but only to agree later. HAHA. Looking forward to breakfasting with the other bros tmr!

Taking it slow =/= moving backwards

It was a random comment that surfaced during a conversation we had last night, while tucking into a basket of coffee marmite wings and truffle fries. Hehe Yet it took me an hour or so to register what my friend actually meant to say (maybe the beer slowed my brain down).

Funny how when people say that they want to slow things down, they always end up taking the backseat in things. It feels as though they are retiring from it, washing their hands from it.

Dunno if you remember anything from your physics classes about acceleration and displacement. Positive Acceleration is the positive rate of change of speed. You're displacing forward at an increasing rate. Positive Deceleration is still displacing forward, just that you're moving forward at a decreasing rate. HAHAHA can't believe this is coming out from me.

If you want want slow things down in your career, you don't stop contributing. You don't stop working. If you decide to slow things down in a relationship, you don't stop talking. You continue building on your friendship.

Like poles and dipoles.

Been wanting to post this for a long time but haven't gotten enough feels to do so. Until this morning. Had a usual chat about an unusual topic over a usual timing with an unusual person. hur hur

You know how people always say that opposites attract and like ends repels? I dunno. To me this statement just doesn't feel right. Maybe, at best, opposites complement, but also to some extent. In reference to relationships, how can 2 different people live together with so much possibility of clashing with each other and yet hope to work things out! Imagine the pain when problems can't be resolved, when you realise that your differences cut through so deep. It scares me sometimes of who I might find and what I might find if I ever love someone who's the exact opposite of me. Will we ever be on the same page? Will our priorities differ? Who's right and who's wrong? I shudder at the thought of facing these questions with someone who might not even know me.

Similarities bring people together. Common childhoods, common experiences, they do more than just create a medium for meaningful interaction. There is a special bond that has the potential to bind them. A bond that can be nurtured and grown over time.

Similar views on life, love and liquor.

Lately I've been pondering quite a bit on love. Not that I would want to fall in love again at this point in time, but just thinking of the possibilities excites me. It's been keeping me awake when I should be asleep. Keeping me sane when the world is driving me nuts. It's been so refreshing!

Yet it feels like everything that has happened has happened for a reason. The past few weeks have been nothing short of ups and downs and I get a feeling that God is trying to tell me to slow things down. All I can ask right now is for wisdom to discern, and for God's will to be done.

Amber's nice, but it'll have to wait.

It was just this morning before I embarked on yet another 5 kilometre run. Something and someone got me back on the mood for blogging again. Thank you.

I used to love writing. Loved the way I could express myself so freely without having to make any justifications in front of another human being. Or worse still pretend to be someone i'm not. Since this blog no longer has any followers, I figured imma post whatever I would hope to say but couldn't bring myself to mouth the words right here.

Sad thing happened today though. One of my men was verbally and physically threatened by his superiors today. Sadder still is the fact that he wasn't to blame. Saddest of all was that his superior took it out on him, in order to sorta cover his own ass in front of HIS superiors. I was pissed at the lack of justice, as well as as the lack of leadership around in that office. Though my men may be great deal smaller in terms of seniority, but Excuse Me, he has been working ever so diligently to cover Your ass while you were often away. To me, the need to save face while not admitting that you might have been in the wrong is a no go (to hell with my english/lack-thereof).

How can you call yourself a commander when you will not admit first of your own wrong-doings. Will you even be humble enough to know that he has been supporting your ass all this while!? Now that you have decided to act on lack of care for your subordinates, it only makes my job a hella lot easier.

I will never bear a grudge, only the burden of injustice. You most certainly won't go unscathed.

It was a wonderful apple indeed. (an old draft I found)

Just recently, I have begun to realise that my diet plays a crucial aspect in my overall well-being. My mum has insisted that I eat two servings of fruits everyday, and that I should eat more. A lot more.

I had an apple and a slice of watermelon just after a bowl of pork terriyaki. Along with a packet of milo. It certainly felt good. I was just commenting a while ago that the guys in our class are really healthy. Nearly everyone is inclined to having a slice of watermelon or honeydew after their meal. 

People say that a healthy person is also a happy person. I ought to be happy. I am at the prime of my youth. I am surrounded by a jovial bunch of guys who chuckle at just about the slightest twitch of an eye. Today is a bright an sunny day. The conditions are perfect. 

But why is my mind distraught over an abyss of nothing~ness. What is wrong with my life? Do I not have everything that I have ever needed? Why do I feel so empty? Why does life feel so meaningless?

Just last night, I had a quick chat with Tiara, over the usefulness of the lesson. She had so much verve. She was filled with good vibes. 

Disasters bring out the best in people.

 It would be nice if there were no such thing as a disaster. It would be great if no one has to endure the horrors of war. It would perfect if there were no war! Then everyone would be happy, and death would just be part and parcel of life. But if everyone were happy and content, then who would strive to make the world a better place? How is anyone supposed to improve upon humanity? After all, how are we going to be happier than happy?

 I will never be in favour of war. And as for natural disasters, I am no God. They are way beyond our control. But disaster alike, rob us of our material possessions, the lives of our fellow countrymen, the lives of our loved ones. Everything that we could possibly dream of attaining would crumble in the hands of a hurricane or even at the will of a nuclear attack. However, precisely because of our human frailty, disasters often bring out the best in us.

 A wise man from Japan once said, “After a great storm you can see more clearly where there is solid ground.” In the disaster stricken city of Fukushima, the world bears witness to the extent of which an earthquake, a tsunami and a nuclear meltdown can have an affect on the lives of the Japanese. We shudder at the images and video clips of the destruction brought upon our fellow human beings; of how the physical state of the environment is drastically altered to nothing but rubble. But amidst the bleakness of hopes, we awe at the courage and immense discipline of the Japanese. We salute to their selflessness; of their willingness to go beyond the call of duty to help each other, sometimes even to mere strangers. Throughout the course of the disaster, not one incident of looting was reported. There were neither fights, nor protests. Just snaking queues. Yes, disasters do wreak a bit of havoc, but they compel us to focus on what is truly important. Our families. Our communities. Our country.

 We each understand how vaccines work. How there is a need to inject that little bit of harmful virus into our body, so that our immune system is able to learn how to fight that particular virus in future. Quite simply, but really, disasters cause people to adapt and prepare for future disasters. Victims of disasters can experience healthy personal growth, as they seek ways to prevent themselves from becoming victims of those disasters again. We see today that countries such as Indonesia, the U.S., Japan have begun to develop technology to detect early signs of disasters such as any nearby seismic activities or possible drops in pressure above the oceans. Disaster prone countries such as them have been able draw on their experiences and subsequently emerge stronger and more resourceful, breaking various technological barriers that would further enhance their warning facilities. Therefore, the country would be able to prepare the citizens beforehand and effectively work out evacuations routes, thereby saving a whole lot more lives. All of which to gain, owing to the debt of human ingenuity that surfaces from disasters.

 Critics would argue that disasters would bring out undesirable behaviour in people, mentioning that people would turn to crime as a way of satisfying their immediate needs. This is indeed the case for some countries, and such behaviour is regrettable. But life is about choices that we make. It is not as if the law is abandoned once a disaster strikes, and that all morals have to be temporarily put aside for the sake of satisfying one’s comfort. There is still that little bit of conscience that exists in each and every one of us. Disasters have a thing about evoking empathy and sympathy in people, to the extent that it humanizes people. It makes people realise how no one is spared from them, regardless of race, riches or religion.

 It is never easy to disregard the destruction that disasters can bring upon us. But whatever we can learn and gain out of them, is the way we can progress forward to be happier than happy.